Nicholas McInerny

Series nominated for a UK Radio Award 2014

HOW TO HAVE A PERFECT MARRIAGE

Draft # 4 – Episode 2.

SINEAD O’CONNOR – NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU.

SCENE 1

KAREN       (V/O) Sunday morning. What do you see when you wake up on a lazy day and watch the pulse flicker in your husband’s neck? The same pulse you first saw the very first time you slept together.

And then he half wakes, turns and reaches out…

The sun through the bay window throwing these amazing shapes. When I first saw it, I said, ‘Jack, that’s where the bed goes, so when we make love in the morning we get bathed’

Even the sun seems different today? Is that possible? How can it be different?

Totally – Utterly –

God, Naomi…what are we going to do?

DISTANT SOUND OF CLATTERING FROM KITCHEN.

Jack always empties that top cupboard when he gets down the skillet. That means pancakes, his speciality, with maple syrup. The girls’ll love it – too easy, Jack! Appease your guilt? Comfort food with lashings of ‘I’m sorry’ thrown in? Sorry? Man, you’re going to cook a mountain today.

‘Thinks he’s gay?’ Thinks? What does that mean – thinks? Like there’s some doubt about it? He’s – what? Bi Curious? A phase? What? Or is he just saying ‘thinks’ to get me used to the idea, to get me to accept…

How long has this been going on? Has he been seeing someone? Has he had sex with someone?

Alright, yes, he was honest about what happened before, the ‘experiment’. We all experimented. Tried out stuff and then grew up. Chose. Because when he got married, he made a choice. Me. The  children. A family. I thought he’d chosen.

            That’s not unreasonable, is it? Because this is breach of – of contract! How am I being unreasonable?

            And okay, right, I know sex had trailed off a bit, all the usual pathetic excuses. Isn’t it the same for everyone? But I haven’t entirely lost it. Children out, a glass of wine, and we can still rattle the chandeliers and disturb the neighbours! I’m not dead from the waist down!

I really can’t deal with this right now. I don’t want to deal with this right now!

SNAP CUT AND INTO

SCENE 2

KITCHEN.

THE NOISE AND CLUTTER OF CHILDREN FINISHING BREAKFAST.

ELLA        Thanks, Dad, that was lush…

KAREN       Dishwasher…

JACK        I love making pancakes for you guys…

KAREN       Ella…

ELLA        Alright.

CLATTERING OF BOWLS INTO DISHWASHER. ELLA HEADS

OFF.

KAREN       No more DVDs. (CALLS AFTER) Tell Sophie her Mum’ll  be here in an hour.

THEY’RE GONE. KAREN CLOCKS

Stop Bruno, will you. He’s licking the plates again.

JACK        Think of it as the pre-wash.

KAREN       From someone who’s been licking his balls all night.

JACK        Technically that’s impossible. Bruno doesn’t have any balls. We had him done.

KAREN PUSHES BRUNO’S NOSE OUT

KAREN       Out!

SLAMS THE DISHWASHER DOOR SHUT – ANGRILY.

JACK        Alright. Do you want to start?

KAREN       Yes.

JACK        Okay. Go ahead.

KAREN       What the hell are we going to say to Naomi about the weed?

JACK        Naomi?

KAREN       I’ve been lying in bed thinking about it.

JACK        You’ve been lying in bed thinking about Naomi?

KAREN       What do we do? Ground her? Cut off her allowance? Because you said – and I agreed – that when –if – this happened we shouldn’t be heavy handed.

JACK        Grounding her sounds severe.

KAREN       Maybe…

JACK        And cutting off her allowance is positively nuclear.

KAREN       Alright, but we’re in new territory here, all of us. This is a big moment, Jack.

JACK        For sure.

KAREN       We need to respond. We don’t know where she got the weed, whether she’s taken anything else and technically it is still illegal, yes?

JACK        Steady on.

KAREN       You happy she’s smoking it at home?

JACK        I guess so.

KAREN       You are?

JACK        It’s what I did, Kay. And we may be in new territory, but I know one thing. I’m not going to be a hypocrite.

NAOMI       Who’s a hypocrite?

NAOMI AT THE DOOR.

KAREN       Morning, Darling.

JACK        Pancakes?

NAOMI       God, no. Big bum food!

KAREN       You don’t need to worry about that. You’re as slim as a willow.

NAOMI       Because I’m careful. Where’s the OJ?

JACK        Here.

KAREN       I told your father what happened last night.

NAOMI       Yippee.

KAREN       He and I agree we need to have a proper conversation.

NAOMI       He smoked dope. You both did.

KAREN       A long time ago.

NAOMI       Actually Dad did it on one of his Screenwriting Conferences in Amsterdam last year. He said it was how they all bonded.

KAREN       Oh did he.

JACK        I forgot about that.

KAREN       This isn’t helpful.

JACK        No, but neither is it helpful pretending it isn’t fun. Or sociable. Or relaxing.

KAREN       What about skunk cannabis? Twenty times stronger and it really screws your mind.

NAOMI       Mum, I don’t smoke skunk. I saw what it did to Johnny Miller. He thinks the teachers are all lizards.

JACK        You see, Kay. Your daughter takes after you. Very sensible.

KAREN       Sensible? Is that how you all see me? Well I’m sorry I can’t be more interesting for you all? I’m sorry I’m so bloody normal!

SILENCE.

NAOMI       Wow, Mum. You sure you haven’t been on the skunk yourself?

JACK        I’m going to walk Bruno.

KAREN       Why? Does he need walking?

JACK        We’re going out for lunch. He’ll pee everywhere.

KAREN       Perhaps I should come too. I can be dressed in five. We haven’t done that for a long time.

JACK        Shouldn’t you stay here?

KAREN       What, and let you go off alone?

NOAMI       Paranoid! Dad’s only going for a walk, Mum. A walk!

SNAP CUT AND INTO

SCENE 3

PARK.

JACK WITH BEN

JACK        Thanks for coming.

BEN         You sounded all BGD on the phone.

JACK        What?

BEN         Big Gay Drama. It’s the wind beneath our wings.

JACK        I told her, Ben.

BEN         Ah.

JACK        Last night. I told her.

BEN         What happened?

JACK        I left my work phone out in the study. She saw I was logged onto Grinder.

BEN         You were caught with your Apps around your ankles.

JACK        That’s right. Turn everything into a joke.

BEN         Oh for heaven’s sake, Jack, you’re not the first married man to be caught with his hand in the metaphorical. Did you know Gaydar has an entire section devoted to guys like you?

JACK        It does?

BEN         Bees to honey, Jack. We purebloods love a muggle. You’re so straight!

JACK        But I hadn’t even really done anything!

BEN         Except window shopping for England and wearing your right hand out.

I bet Saint Karen still doesn’t know about me, does she?

JACK        She’s just put her head in the sand.

BEN         The poor woman’s in shock.

JACK        She’s said nothing!

BEN         And hoped it’ll all just go away.

JACK        I’ve no idea how to handle this. Help me.

BEN         Best course of action, do nothing.

JACK        What?

BEN         Listen, how long have you been thinking about this? Sorry – obsessing?

JACK        I don’t know.

BEN         You told me months so I’m guessing at least a year.

JACK        Alright, yes.

BEN         A year for Mr Integrity to stop lying to himself, to actually admit the truth.

JACK        I used to walk Bruno late at night and stand here, in the middle of the park and say the words, ‘I am gay’.

BEN         Do it now.

JACK        I am gay.

BEN         Louder. Shout.

JACK        I am gay! I AM GAY!

BEN         Real now? Really real?

JACK        Yes.

BEN         And now you throw this hand grenade you’ve lovingly created into her lap. And expect her to just – what? Shrug it off.

Boom!

No wonder Saint Karen is feeling martyred. You’re lucky she hasn’t chucked you out already.

JACK        You think she might?

BEN         Well if she did, it might just force you to decide what you wanted.

JACK        I know what I want.

BEN         Yes?

JACK        I want to stay married, Ben. I love Karen. I want my marriage to work. My children are everything.

BEN         Go on.

JACK        They need me, especially now.

BEN         What else?

JACK        I want – I need – to have male contact. To explore that. To understand myself better, to find out who I am.

BEN         So you want to have your cake and eat it.

JACK        Is that so bad?

BEN         No! The rest of the world might see you as greedy and selfish and shallow but I say, who made the rules?

JACK        Hang on, nobody else must know.

BEN         Karen might disagree.

JACK        I’ve only just told her!

BEN         Not everything’s your decision, Jack. She has choices now.

I assume you’ve been hovering up all the relevant sites.

JACK        Obsessively.

BEN         Then you’ll know what is out there.

JACK        I lurk. I never actually post anything.

BEN         The great Jack Dixon, whose interviews skewer multinational CEOs?

JACK        I told you – I’m terrified.

BEN         Listen. Alright. Calm down.

Have you come across something called the Closed Loop?

SNAP CUT AND INTO

SCENE 4

GASTROPUB.

MALCOLM LOOSENED UP WITH DRINK.

MALCOLM     Suddenly we heard this noise. We rushed in, and found Sophie standing with her friend in front of the PC.

KAREN       Not Ella?

MIRANDA     Karen, I would’ve told you if it were Ella…

MALCOLM     No. They’d managed to access this hard core site. All livid pinks and brutal reds, a gynaecological car crash.

MIRANDA     Malcolm…

MALCOLM     That was just the men!

MIRANDA     The point is, Sophie looked horrified.

MALCOLM     Her little face.

MIRANDA     Staring at the screen. All she could see was the violence…

MALCOLM     Violence?

MIRANDA     …Because whatever ‘sex’ meant to her, at thirteen, this meant no sense.

MALCOLM     Her friend looked mighty pleased with herself.

KAREN       Thank God it wasn’t Ella.

JACK        You don’t think Ella would have been curious?

KAREN       No. She’s very innocent.

JACK        Innocence is like nostalgia, it’s soft. Curiosity will ace it every time.

MIRANDA     Sophie would never have done this on her own. She was coerced.

JACK        Really?

MALCOLM     Quite.

JACK        She knew which PC to go to, Miranda. No parental controls.

MIRANDA     Oh yes.

MALCOLM     Which makes it my fault of course.

MIRANDA     We’ve been through this.

MALCOLM     I watch porn. My wife disapproves.

MIRANDA     Forgive me for being an old fashioned feminist who thinks it exploits women.

MALCOLM     Do you watch porn, Jack?

JACK        Doesn’t every man?

MALCOLM     On the planet. We’re sensation sluts, Ladies. And for the record, this was an amateur site, so no violence, implied or otherwise. Completely consensual. Actually I believe the internet has made porn truly democratic.

MIRANDA     Here we go..

MALCOLM     It’s the biggest blow for sexual freedom since the pill.

THIS SETTLES.

Another round?

JACK        I’ll come.

THEY MOVE OFF.

MIRANDA     What do you think?

KAREN       Miranda, you married a man who loves an argument.

MIRANDA     He doesn’t argue, he dictates!

KAREN       It’s the drink.

MIRANDA     Some people say it’s almost bullying?

KAREN       Still doesn’t mean he’s having an affair.

MIRANDA     You think?

KAREN       The opposite in fact. Pompous idiots like Malcolm are all talk and trousers. He’ll never actually do anything.

I’m sorry.

MIRANDA     No, you’re right. He won’t. Thanks for that glimpse of sanity.

KAREN       Sanity?

MIRANDA     Yes. You don’t judge. You don’t get angry or impatient. You listen.

KAREN       I just insulted your husband.

MIRANDA     You told the truth, he is pompous. Tiresome. Inconsiderate. But I still need him. I do. What a mess.

KAREN       He needs you too.

MIRANDA     But not like you and Jack. What you have is special. I can see it a mile off. Real respect, Karen. It’s rare. You lose that and the writing is on the wall.

SNAP CUT AND INTO

SCENE 5

BEDROOM.

KAREN RUBBING MOISTURISER INTO HER FACE. JACK TENTATIVE.

JACK        Malcolm really went off on one today. You don’t think there’s something going on between him and Miranda?

KAREN       No.

JACK        The atmosphere.

KAREN       I didn’t notice.

JACK        Just me then. He’s right about one thing. The Internet’s a one stop shop. It’s kink cental. Whatever you’re into – from mild to wild – is out there.

I did some research into gay married men. I found something that might help. It’s called a Closed Loop Relationship. Can I tell you about it?

KAREN       Jack –

JACK        Please. Hear me out.

KAREN STILL. JACK HAS REHEARSED THIS.

Okay, basically, in a Closed Loop the husband and wife agree that the husband can have some kind of relationship with a third party, a gay partner. The key thing about this is that all three are faithful and exclusive to each other, so that the marriage remains stable.

KAREN CUTS ACROSS

KAREN       Why am I even listening to you?

JACK        Karen…

KAREN       Why am I listening?!

UNLEASHED.

Twenty four hours ago you told me you were gay! Twenty four hours! So now I should be – fine about it? Well, I’m not fine.

I’ve been asking myself all day, is it just about cock, Jack? Bored with me? My body not enough? Too female. Wrong bits in the wrong places, you want some tight young boys –

KAREN GRABS A BOTTLE OF PERFUME AND THROWS IT DOWN ON THE

DRESSER. IT SMASHES. BRUNO BARKS DOWNSTAIRS.

JACK        Karen. Please –

KAREN       What? Frightened the children will find out? The truth about their father.

JACK        What? Like this? Their mother hysterical –

KAREN       Hysterical? Please tell me, what would be the right reaction, Jack. Something reasonable?

SILENCE.

(LOW) I have to know. All the things you said – only last week. Here in this bedroom.

JACK        Things?

KAREN       About us. The future. Holidays in Venice and…and Christmas putting up with my parents. Were you lying?

JACK        No.

KAREN       Then what?

I thought I knew you, Jack! You were my lover and my friend. We were US! Has that all been a lie? Did you ever love me at all?

JACK        Yes!

KAREN       Do you still love me?

JACK        Yes!

KAREN       Then why are you threatening all of this? Turning our lives upside down? I don’t want to share you, Jack, you’re my husband!

All I’ve ever done is love you! Why can’t you love me back. Why isn’t that enough?

END OF EPISODE.

2352 words

WRITING

THEATRE

1984                  LA SYMPHONIE PASTORALE – Adapted from the short story by Andre Gide. Produced at Hoxton Hall.

1987                  MONOPOLY – Rehearsed reading at The Manchester Royal Exchange. Produced at The Old Red Lion, Islington.

1989                  DRAWING THE DEVIL ON THE WALL – Produced at The Edinburgh Festival, and at The New End Theatre, Hampstead. Revived 1998 at The Prince Theatre, Greenwich.

1992                  SHAKER – Produced at The ICA and a national tour, including the Edinburgh, Manchester and Dublin Festivals.

1994                  THE GIFT – Produced at The Room, The Orange Tree Theatre, Richmond.

1995                  RED PRINCESS – Produced by Red Shift Theatre Company at The Warehouse Theatre, Croydon and a national tour. Script published by First Writes.

1996                  A FEW WORDS IN PRIVATE – Three short plays – BELLE FONTAINE, WINDFALLS and CONFESSOR’S GATE. BELLE FONTAINE produced at The Pleasance Theatre by the Soho Theatre Company, November 1998. WINDFALLS and CONFESSOR’S GATE optioned by Soho.

1998                  THE STRINGLESS MARIONETTE – Produced by The Orange Tree Theatre, to accompany their adaptation of SILAS MARNER.

2000                  RECORDING ANGEL – Commissioned by the Soho Theatre Company.

2010                        LAZYeye – Uncommissioned.  Given a rehearsed reading at The Actors Centre 2011, and is part of  the LoNyLa initiative – www.lonyla.com with readings in London, Los Angeles and New York.

2012                        THE INCREDIBLE DOCTOR GUTTMANN – commissioned by Karen Simpson Productions.  A play about Poppa Guttmann, who founded the Paralympic games in July 1948. Awarded an ACE UNLIMITED grant for a six week tour of rural venues in Oxfordshire, Gloucestershire and Buckinghamshire – www.karensimpsonproductions.co.uk

FILM

1991                  THE HOUR BEFORE DAWN – Commissioned by Paramount Pictures. A medical thriller set in an Infertility Clinic.

2000                  BLACK BADGE – Commissioned by BBC Scotland. A thriller about a vigilante gang of disillusioned black Police Officers set in The Metropolitan Police.

2010                        UNLIMITED – (co-written with Davis Bunn) Commissioned by Chad Gunderson Ltd. Feature film being filmed in Texas, Autumn 2012.

TV

1987                  GEMS – Episodes 31-33 (Thames Television)

1988                  THE BILL – HOME SWEET HOME and OLD HABITS.

1995                  THE BILL – PICKING UP THE PIECES and A YEAR AND A DAY.

1996                  THE BILL – CUCKOO and GREY AREA.

1997                  THE BILL – NO CLAIMS BONUS and COUP DE GRACE.

1998                  THE BILL – BIG DAY

1999                  THE BILL – MAKEOVER and CRASH LANDING

2000                  ALWAYS AND EVERYONE – EPISODE 10 (Granada TV)

2001                  THE BILL – COMPLICITY Ep 1

2002                  THE BILL – EPISODES 036, 069, 101.

2003                  THE BILL – EPISODES 124, 146, 147, 161.

2004                  THE BILL – EPISODES 199, 215, 231, 257, 292.

2005                  THE BILL – EPISODE 327

2006                  THE BILL – EPISODE 395, 445, 497.

2007                  THE BILL – EPISODE 531

2008                  THE BILL – EPISODE 608 (All Thames/Freemantle)

I have also sold two original ideas to Independent TV Companies and written the series Bible.

2000                        EXIT WOUNDS.  A police series about a Family Liaison Unit.

2008                        WIRED. A drama set around a group of friends trying to break  into the music business.

RADIO

1991                  DRAWING THE DEVIL ON THE WALL – Radio 4 – 15.7.1991.

1992                  OTHER CREATURES – Radio 4 – 25.5.1993.

1993                  THE DEATH OF IVAN ILYICH – Radio 4 – 27.1.1994 & 1.1.1995.

1994                  A CHILD OF CONSEQUENCE – Radio 4 – 19.12.1994.

1995                  THE NUTCRACKER CHRISTMAS – Radio 4 – 25.12.1995 & 28.12.1996.

2000                  THE SICILIAN FAIRY AND THE IRISH GIANT – Radio 4 – 4.1.2000

NEVERMORE – Radio 4 – March 29.3.2000

2001                  SIGNS OF LIFE – Series of three programmes:

MAPPING THE WORLD – Radio 4 – 3.1.2001

THE WRONG TARGET – Radio 4 – 10.1.2001

THE NEW CONTROLLER – Radio 4 – 17.1.2001

VICTORIAN MARRIAGE BEDS – two programmes:

SINGLEHEART – Radio 4 – 29.1.2001

A MADMAN’S DEFENCE – Radio 4 – 5.2.2001

SIGNS OF LIFE – Series 2

BATTLE CRY – Radio 4 – 5.12.2001

THE DROWNING – Radio 4 – 12.12.2001

THE CHOSEN PATH – Radio 4 – 19.12.2001

2002                  EARTH SONG – Radio 4 – 25.3.2002

THE END OF TIME – Radio – 27.3.2002

SCROOGE BLUES – Radio 4 – 25.12.2002

2003                  NOT SO TINY TIM – Radio 4 – 1.1.2003

2004                  RESURRECTING SCHUBERT – Radio 4 – 8.12.2004

PRISONERS OF ALBION (3 PLAYS/CONTRIBUTION) – Radio 4 MARCH/APRIL.

2005                  JACOB AND THE ANGEL – Radio 4 – 16.3.2005

EX LIBRIS – RADIO 4 – 30.12.2005

2006                  GOLD MUFFLER – Specially commissioned for THE VERB – Radio 3 – 4.3.2006

2007                  WHO WON THE ELECTION? Episode Three of NUMBER 10 – Radio 4 – 21.9.2007

2009                        BLAME THE PARENTS – Two plays with Jonathan Myerson – Radio 4 – 21/22.9.2009

2013                        HOW TO HAVE A PERFECT MARRIAGE –  Radio 4 Series.

2015                        HOW TO HAVE A PERFECT MARRIAGE –  Radio 4 Se