Nicholas McInerny
- Successful professional writer of TV, Radio, Film and Theatre scripts for over 20 years.
- Experienced script writer for educational and corporate training videos for International publishing houses, local authorities and multinational companies.
- Extensive lecturing and tutoring experience at undergraduate and graduate levels for UK and US universities, including External Moderator for UEA MA in Creative Writing: Scriptwriting.
- Board member of Writernet and Chair of Script; Arts Council funded Agencies dedicated to developing and promoting new writing.
Hannah Thornton
United Agents
12-26 Lexington Street
London W1F 0LE
Direct Line : +44(0)203 214 0986
Mobile: +44(0)7795326559
United Agents
12-26 Lexington Street
London W1F 0LE
Direct Line : +44(0)203 214 0986
Mobile: +44(0)7795326559
WRITING
THEATRE
1984 LA SYMPHONIE PASTORALE - Adapted from the short story by Andre Gide. Produced at Hoxton Hall.
1987 MONOPOLY – Rehearsed reading at The Manchester Royal Exchange. Produced at The Old Red Lion, Islington.
1989 DRAWING THE DEVIL ON THE WALL - Produced at The Edinburgh Festival, and at The New End Theatre, Hampstead. Revived 1998 at The Prince Theatre, Greenwich.
1992 SHAKER - Produced at The ICA and a national tour, including the Edinburgh, Manchester and Dublin Festivals.
1994 THE GIFT - Produced at The Room, The Orange Tree Theatre, Richmond.
1995 RED PRINCESS - Produced by Red Shift Theatre Company at The Warehouse Theatre, Croydon and a national tour. Script published by First Writes.
1996 A FEW WORDS IN PRIVATE - Three short plays - BELLE FONTAINE, WINDFALLS and CONFESSOR'S GATE. BELLE FONTAINE produced at The Pleasance Theatre by the Soho Theatre Company, November 1998. WINDFALLS and CONFESSOR'S GATE optioned by Soho.
1998 THE STRINGLESS MARIONETTE - Produced by The Orange Tree Theatre, to accompany their adaptation of SILAS MARNER.
2000 RECORDING ANGEL - Commissioned by the Soho Theatre Company.
2010 LAZYeye - Uncommissioned. Given a rehearsed reading at The Actors Centre 2011, and is part of the LoNyLa initiative – www.lonyla.com with readings in London, Los Angeles and New York.
2012 THE INCREDIBLE DOCTOR GUTTMANN – commissioned by Karen Simpson Productions. A play about Poppa Guttmann, who founded the Paralympic games in July 1948. Awarded an ACE UNLIMITED grant for a six week tour of rural venues in Oxfordshire, Gloucestershire and Buckinghamshire – www.karensimpsonproductions.co.uk
FILM
1991 THE HOUR BEFORE DAWN - Commissioned by Paramount Pictures. A medical thriller set in an Infertility Clinic.
2000 BLACK BADGE - Commissioned by BBC Scotland. A thriller about a vigilante gang of disillusioned black Police Officers set in The Metropolitan Police.
2010 UNLIMITED – (co-written with Davis Bunn) Commissioned by Chad Gunderson Ltd. Feature film being filmed in Texas, Autumn 2012.
TV
1987 GEMS - Episodes 31-33 (Thames Television)
1988 THE BILL - HOME SWEET HOME and OLD HABITS.
1995 THE BILL - PICKING UP THE PIECES and A YEAR AND A DAY.
1996 THE BILL - CUCKOO and GREY AREA.
1997 THE BILL - NO CLAIMS BONUS and COUP DE GRACE.
1998 THE BILL - BIG DAY
1999 THE BILL - MAKEOVER and CRASH LANDING
2000 ALWAYS AND EVERYONE - EPISODE 10 (Granada TV)
2001 THE BILL - COMPLICITY Ep 1
2002 THE BILL – EPISODES 036, 069, 101.
2003 THE BILL – EPISODES 124, 146, 147, 161.
2004 THE BILL – EPISODES 199, 215, 231, 257, 292.
2005 THE BILL – EPISODE 327
2006 THE BILL – EPISODE 395, 445, 497.
2007 THE BILL – EPISODE 531
2008 THE BILL – EPISODE 608 (All Thames/Freemantle)
I have also sold two original ideas to Independent TV Companies and written the series Bible.
2000 EXIT WOUNDS. A police series about a Family Liaison Unit.
2008 WIRED. A drama set around a group of friends trying to break into the music business.
RADIO
1991 DRAWING THE DEVIL ON THE WALL - Radio 4 - 15.7.1991.
1992 OTHER CREATURES - Radio 4 - 25.5.1993.
1993 THE DEATH OF IVAN ILYICH - Radio 4 - 27.1.1994 & 1.1.1995.
1994 A CHILD OF CONSEQUENCE - Radio 4 - 19.12.1994.
1995 THE NUTCRACKER CHRISTMAS - Radio 4 - 25.12.1995 & 28.12.1996.
2000 THE SICILIAN FAIRY AND THE IRISH GIANT - Radio 4 - 4.1.2000
NEVERMORE - Radio 4 - March 29.3.2000
2001 SIGNS OF LIFE - Series of three programmes:
MAPPING THE WORLD - Radio 4 - 3.1.2001
THE WRONG TARGET - Radio 4 - 10.1.2001
THE NEW CONTROLLER - Radio 4 - 17.1.2001
VICTORIAN MARRIAGE BEDS - two programmes:
SINGLEHEART - Radio 4 - 29.1.2001
A MADMAN'S DEFENCE - Radio 4 - 5.2.2001
SIGNS OF LIFE – Series 2
BATTLE CRY – Radio 4 – 5.12.2001
THE DROWNING – Radio 4 – 12.12.2001
THE CHOSEN PATH – Radio 4 – 19.12.2001
2002 EARTH SONG – Radio 4 - 25.3.2002
THE END OF TIME – Radio - 27.3.2002
SCROOGE BLUES – Radio 4 – 25.12.2002
2003 NOT SO TINY TIM – Radio 4 – 1.1.2003
2004 RESURRECTING SCHUBERT – Radio 4 – 8.12.2004
PRISONERS OF ALBION (3 PLAYS/CONTRIBUTION) – Radio 4 MARCH/APRIL.
2005 JACOB AND THE ANGEL – Radio 4 – 16.3.2005
EX LIBRIS – RADIO 4 – 30.12.2005
2006 GOLD MUFFLER – Specially commissioned for THE VERB – Radio 3 – 4.3.2006
2007 WHO WON THE ELECTION? Episode Three of NUMBER 10 – Radio 4 – 21.9.2007
2009 BLAME THE PARENTS – Two plays with Jonathan Myerson – Radio 4 – 21/22.9.2009
2013 HOW TO HAVE A PERFECT MARRIAGE - Radio 4 Series.
2015 HOW TO HAVE A PERFECT MARRIAGE - Radio 4 Se
THEATRE
1984 LA SYMPHONIE PASTORALE - Adapted from the short story by Andre Gide. Produced at Hoxton Hall.
1987 MONOPOLY – Rehearsed reading at The Manchester Royal Exchange. Produced at The Old Red Lion, Islington.
1989 DRAWING THE DEVIL ON THE WALL - Produced at The Edinburgh Festival, and at The New End Theatre, Hampstead. Revived 1998 at The Prince Theatre, Greenwich.
1992 SHAKER - Produced at The ICA and a national tour, including the Edinburgh, Manchester and Dublin Festivals.
1994 THE GIFT - Produced at The Room, The Orange Tree Theatre, Richmond.
1995 RED PRINCESS - Produced by Red Shift Theatre Company at The Warehouse Theatre, Croydon and a national tour. Script published by First Writes.
1996 A FEW WORDS IN PRIVATE - Three short plays - BELLE FONTAINE, WINDFALLS and CONFESSOR'S GATE. BELLE FONTAINE produced at The Pleasance Theatre by the Soho Theatre Company, November 1998. WINDFALLS and CONFESSOR'S GATE optioned by Soho.
1998 THE STRINGLESS MARIONETTE - Produced by The Orange Tree Theatre, to accompany their adaptation of SILAS MARNER.
2000 RECORDING ANGEL - Commissioned by the Soho Theatre Company.
2010 LAZYeye - Uncommissioned. Given a rehearsed reading at The Actors Centre 2011, and is part of the LoNyLa initiative – www.lonyla.com with readings in London, Los Angeles and New York.
2012 THE INCREDIBLE DOCTOR GUTTMANN – commissioned by Karen Simpson Productions. A play about Poppa Guttmann, who founded the Paralympic games in July 1948. Awarded an ACE UNLIMITED grant for a six week tour of rural venues in Oxfordshire, Gloucestershire and Buckinghamshire – www.karensimpsonproductions.co.uk
FILM
1991 THE HOUR BEFORE DAWN - Commissioned by Paramount Pictures. A medical thriller set in an Infertility Clinic.
2000 BLACK BADGE - Commissioned by BBC Scotland. A thriller about a vigilante gang of disillusioned black Police Officers set in The Metropolitan Police.
2010 UNLIMITED – (co-written with Davis Bunn) Commissioned by Chad Gunderson Ltd. Feature film being filmed in Texas, Autumn 2012.
TV
1987 GEMS - Episodes 31-33 (Thames Television)
1988 THE BILL - HOME SWEET HOME and OLD HABITS.
1995 THE BILL - PICKING UP THE PIECES and A YEAR AND A DAY.
1996 THE BILL - CUCKOO and GREY AREA.
1997 THE BILL - NO CLAIMS BONUS and COUP DE GRACE.
1998 THE BILL - BIG DAY
1999 THE BILL - MAKEOVER and CRASH LANDING
2000 ALWAYS AND EVERYONE - EPISODE 10 (Granada TV)
2001 THE BILL - COMPLICITY Ep 1
2002 THE BILL – EPISODES 036, 069, 101.
2003 THE BILL – EPISODES 124, 146, 147, 161.
2004 THE BILL – EPISODES 199, 215, 231, 257, 292.
2005 THE BILL – EPISODE 327
2006 THE BILL – EPISODE 395, 445, 497.
2007 THE BILL – EPISODE 531
2008 THE BILL – EPISODE 608 (All Thames/Freemantle)
I have also sold two original ideas to Independent TV Companies and written the series Bible.
2000 EXIT WOUNDS. A police series about a Family Liaison Unit.
2008 WIRED. A drama set around a group of friends trying to break into the music business.
RADIO
1991 DRAWING THE DEVIL ON THE WALL - Radio 4 - 15.7.1991.
1992 OTHER CREATURES - Radio 4 - 25.5.1993.
1993 THE DEATH OF IVAN ILYICH - Radio 4 - 27.1.1994 & 1.1.1995.
1994 A CHILD OF CONSEQUENCE - Radio 4 - 19.12.1994.
1995 THE NUTCRACKER CHRISTMAS - Radio 4 - 25.12.1995 & 28.12.1996.
2000 THE SICILIAN FAIRY AND THE IRISH GIANT - Radio 4 - 4.1.2000
NEVERMORE - Radio 4 - March 29.3.2000
2001 SIGNS OF LIFE - Series of three programmes:
MAPPING THE WORLD - Radio 4 - 3.1.2001
THE WRONG TARGET - Radio 4 - 10.1.2001
THE NEW CONTROLLER - Radio 4 - 17.1.2001
VICTORIAN MARRIAGE BEDS - two programmes:
SINGLEHEART - Radio 4 - 29.1.2001
A MADMAN'S DEFENCE - Radio 4 - 5.2.2001
SIGNS OF LIFE – Series 2
BATTLE CRY – Radio 4 – 5.12.2001
THE DROWNING – Radio 4 – 12.12.2001
THE CHOSEN PATH – Radio 4 – 19.12.2001
2002 EARTH SONG – Radio 4 - 25.3.2002
THE END OF TIME – Radio - 27.3.2002
SCROOGE BLUES – Radio 4 – 25.12.2002
2003 NOT SO TINY TIM – Radio 4 – 1.1.2003
2004 RESURRECTING SCHUBERT – Radio 4 – 8.12.2004
PRISONERS OF ALBION (3 PLAYS/CONTRIBUTION) – Radio 4 MARCH/APRIL.
2005 JACOB AND THE ANGEL – Radio 4 – 16.3.2005
EX LIBRIS – RADIO 4 – 30.12.2005
2006 GOLD MUFFLER – Specially commissioned for THE VERB – Radio 3 – 4.3.2006
2007 WHO WON THE ELECTION? Episode Three of NUMBER 10 – Radio 4 – 21.9.2007
2009 BLAME THE PARENTS – Two plays with Jonathan Myerson – Radio 4 – 21/22.9.2009
2013 HOW TO HAVE A PERFECT MARRIAGE - Radio 4 Series.
2015 HOW TO HAVE A PERFECT MARRIAGE - Radio 4 Se
Children's writing,Film,Online writing,Radio,Scripted reality,Television,Theatre
50 hours
35 hourse
Series nominated for a UK Radio Award 2014
HOW TO HAVE A PERFECT MARRIAGE
Draft # 4 – Episode 2.
SINEAD O’CONNOR – NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU.
SCENE 1
KAREN (V/O) Sunday morning. What do you see when you wake up on a lazy day and watch the pulse flicker in your husband’s neck? The same pulse you first saw the very first time you slept together.
And then he half wakes, turns and reaches out…
The sun through the bay window throwing these amazing shapes. When I first saw it, I said, ‘Jack, that’s where the bed goes, so when we make love in the morning we get bathed’
Even the sun seems different today? Is that possible? How can it be different?
Totally – Utterly -
God, Naomi…what are we going to do?
DISTANT SOUND OF CLATTERING FROM KITCHEN.
Jack always empties that top cupboard when he gets down the skillet. That means pancakes, his speciality, with maple syrup. The girls’ll love it – too easy, Jack! Appease your guilt? Comfort food with lashings of ‘I’m sorry’ thrown in? Sorry? Man, you’re going to cook a mountain today.
‘Thinks he’s gay?’ Thinks? What does that mean – thinks? Like there’s some doubt about it? He’s – what? Bi Curious? A phase? What? Or is he just saying ‘thinks’ to get me used to the idea, to get me to accept…
How long has this been going on? Has he been seeing someone? Has he had sex with someone?
Alright, yes, he was honest about what happened before, the ‘experiment’. We all experimented. Tried out stuff and then grew up. Chose. Because when he got married, he made a choice. Me. The children. A family. I thought he’d chosen.
That’s not unreasonable, is it? Because this is breach of – of contract! How am I being unreasonable?
And okay, right, I know sex had trailed off a bit, all the usual pathetic excuses. Isn’t it the same for everyone? But I haven’t entirely lost it. Children out, a glass of wine, and we can still rattle the chandeliers and disturb the neighbours! I’m not dead from the waist down!
I really can’t deal with this right now. I don’t want to deal with this right now!
SNAP CUT AND INTO
SCENE 2
KITCHEN.
THE NOISE AND CLUTTER OF CHILDREN FINISHING BREAKFAST.
ELLA Thanks, Dad, that was lush…
KAREN Dishwasher…
JACK I love making pancakes for you guys…
KAREN Ella…
ELLA Alright.
CLATTERING OF BOWLS INTO DISHWASHER. ELLA HEADS
OFF.
KAREN No more DVDs. (CALLS AFTER) Tell Sophie her Mum’ll be here in an hour.
THEY’RE GONE. KAREN CLOCKS
Stop Bruno, will you. He’s licking the plates again.
JACK Think of it as the pre-wash.
KAREN From someone who’s been licking his balls all night.
JACK Technically that’s impossible. Bruno doesn’t have any balls. We had him done.
KAREN PUSHES BRUNO’S NOSE OUT
KAREN Out!
SLAMS THE DISHWASHER DOOR SHUT – ANGRILY.
JACK Alright. Do you want to start?
KAREN Yes.
JACK Okay. Go ahead.
KAREN What the hell are we going to say to Naomi about the weed?
JACK Naomi?
KAREN I’ve been lying in bed thinking about it.
JACK You’ve been lying in bed thinking about Naomi?
KAREN What do we do? Ground her? Cut off her allowance? Because you said – and I agreed – that when –if – this happened we shouldn’t be heavy handed.
JACK Grounding her sounds severe.
KAREN Maybe…
JACK And cutting off her allowance is positively nuclear.
KAREN Alright, but we’re in new territory here, all of us. This is a big moment, Jack.
JACK For sure.
KAREN We need to respond. We don’t know where she got the weed, whether she’s taken anything else and technically it is still illegal, yes?
JACK Steady on.
KAREN You happy she’s smoking it at home?
JACK I guess so.
KAREN You are?
JACK It’s what I did, Kay. And we may be in new territory, but I know one thing. I’m not going to be a hypocrite.
NAOMI Who’s a hypocrite?
NAOMI AT THE DOOR.
KAREN Morning, Darling.
JACK Pancakes?
NAOMI God, no. Big bum food!
KAREN You don’t need to worry about that. You’re as slim as a willow.
NAOMI Because I’m careful. Where’s the OJ?
JACK Here.
KAREN I told your father what happened last night.
NAOMI Yippee.
KAREN He and I agree we need to have a proper conversation.
NAOMI He smoked dope. You both did.
KAREN A long time ago.
NAOMI Actually Dad did it on one of his Screenwriting Conferences in Amsterdam last year. He said it was how they all bonded.
KAREN Oh did he.
JACK I forgot about that.
KAREN This isn’t helpful.
JACK No, but neither is it helpful pretending it isn’t fun. Or sociable. Or relaxing.
KAREN What about skunk cannabis? Twenty times stronger and it really screws your mind.
NAOMI Mum, I don’t smoke skunk. I saw what it did to Johnny Miller. He thinks the teachers are all lizards.
JACK You see, Kay. Your daughter takes after you. Very sensible.
KAREN Sensible? Is that how you all see me? Well I’m sorry I can’t be more interesting for you all? I’m sorry I’m so bloody normal!
SILENCE.
NAOMI Wow, Mum. You sure you haven’t been on the skunk yourself?
JACK I’m going to walk Bruno.
KAREN Why? Does he need walking?
JACK We’re going out for lunch. He’ll pee everywhere.
KAREN Perhaps I should come too. I can be dressed in five. We haven’t done that for a long time.
JACK Shouldn’t you stay here?
KAREN What, and let you go off alone?
NOAMI Paranoid! Dad’s only going for a walk, Mum. A walk!
SNAP CUT AND INTO
SCENE 3
PARK.
JACK WITH BEN
JACK Thanks for coming.
BEN You sounded all BGD on the phone.
JACK What?
BEN Big Gay Drama. It’s the wind beneath our wings.
JACK I told her, Ben.
BEN Ah.
JACK Last night. I told her.
BEN What happened?
JACK I left my work phone out in the study. She saw I was logged onto Grinder.
BEN You were caught with your Apps around your ankles.
JACK That’s right. Turn everything into a joke.
BEN Oh for heaven’s sake, Jack, you’re not the first married man to be caught with his hand in the metaphorical. Did you know Gaydar has an entire section devoted to guys like you?
JACK It does?
BEN Bees to honey, Jack. We purebloods love a muggle. You’re so straight!
JACK But I hadn’t even really done anything!
BEN Except window shopping for England and wearing your right hand out.
I bet Saint Karen still doesn’t know about me, does she?
JACK She’s just put her head in the sand.
BEN The poor woman’s in shock.
JACK She’s said nothing!
BEN And hoped it’ll all just go away.
JACK I’ve no idea how to handle this. Help me.
BEN Best course of action, do nothing.
JACK What?
BEN Listen, how long have you been thinking about this? Sorry - obsessing?
JACK I don’t know.
BEN You told me months so I’m guessing at least a year.
JACK Alright, yes.
BEN A year for Mr Integrity to stop lying to himself, to actually admit the truth.
JACK I used to walk Bruno late at night and stand here, in the middle of the park and say the words, ‘I am gay’.
BEN Do it now.
JACK I am gay.
BEN Louder. Shout.
JACK I am gay! I AM GAY!
BEN Real now? Really real?
JACK Yes.
BEN And now you throw this hand grenade you’ve lovingly created into her lap. And expect her to just – what? Shrug it off.
Boom!
No wonder Saint Karen is feeling martyred. You’re lucky she hasn’t chucked you out already.
JACK You think she might?
BEN Well if she did, it might just force you to decide what you wanted.
JACK I know what I want.
BEN Yes?
JACK I want to stay married, Ben. I love Karen. I want my marriage to work. My children are everything.
BEN Go on.
JACK They need me, especially now.
BEN What else?
JACK I want – I need – to have male contact. To explore that. To understand myself better, to find out who I am.
BEN So you want to have your cake and eat it.
JACK Is that so bad?
BEN No! The rest of the world might see you as greedy and selfish and shallow but I say, who made the rules?
JACK Hang on, nobody else must know.
BEN Karen might disagree.
JACK I’ve only just told her!
BEN Not everything’s your decision, Jack. She has choices now.
I assume you’ve been hovering up all the relevant sites.
JACK Obsessively.
BEN Then you’ll know what is out there.
JACK I lurk. I never actually post anything.
BEN The great Jack Dixon, whose interviews skewer multinational CEOs?
JACK I told you – I’m terrified.
BEN Listen. Alright. Calm down.
Have you come across something called the Closed Loop?
SNAP CUT AND INTO
SCENE 4
GASTROPUB.
MALCOLM LOOSENED UP WITH DRINK.
MALCOLM Suddenly we heard this noise. We rushed in, and found Sophie standing with her friend in front of the PC.
KAREN Not Ella?
MIRANDA Karen, I would’ve told you if it were Ella…
MALCOLM No. They’d managed to access this hard core site. All livid pinks and brutal reds, a gynaecological car crash.
MIRANDA Malcolm…
MALCOLM That was just the men!
MIRANDA The point is, Sophie looked horrified.
MALCOLM Her little face.
MIRANDA Staring at the screen. All she could see was the violence…
MALCOLM Violence?
MIRANDA …Because whatever ‘sex’ meant to her, at thirteen, this meant no sense.
MALCOLM Her friend looked mighty pleased with herself.
KAREN Thank God it wasn’t Ella.
JACK You don’t think Ella would have been curious?
KAREN No. She’s very innocent.
JACK Innocence is like nostalgia, it’s soft. Curiosity will ace it every time.
MIRANDA Sophie would never have done this on her own. She was coerced.
JACK Really?
MALCOLM Quite.
JACK She knew which PC to go to, Miranda. No parental controls.
MIRANDA Oh yes.
MALCOLM Which makes it my fault of course.
MIRANDA We’ve been through this.
MALCOLM I watch porn. My wife disapproves.
MIRANDA Forgive me for being an old fashioned feminist who thinks it exploits women.
MALCOLM Do you watch porn, Jack?
JACK Doesn’t every man?
MALCOLM On the planet. We’re sensation sluts, Ladies. And for the record, this was an amateur site, so no violence, implied or otherwise. Completely consensual. Actually I believe the internet has made porn truly democratic.
MIRANDA Here we go..
MALCOLM It’s the biggest blow for sexual freedom since the pill.
THIS SETTLES.
Another round?
JACK I’ll come.
THEY MOVE OFF.
MIRANDA What do you think?
KAREN Miranda, you married a man who loves an argument.
MIRANDA He doesn’t argue, he dictates!
KAREN It’s the drink.
MIRANDA Some people say it’s almost bullying?
KAREN Still doesn’t mean he’s having an affair.
MIRANDA You think?
KAREN The opposite in fact. Pompous idiots like Malcolm are all talk and trousers. He’ll never actually do anything.
I’m sorry.
MIRANDA No, you’re right. He won’t. Thanks for that glimpse of sanity.
KAREN Sanity?
MIRANDA Yes. You don’t judge. You don’t get angry or impatient. You listen.
KAREN I just insulted your husband.
MIRANDA You told the truth, he is pompous. Tiresome. Inconsiderate. But I still need him. I do. What a mess.
KAREN He needs you too.
MIRANDA But not like you and Jack. What you have is special. I can see it a mile off. Real respect, Karen. It’s rare. You lose that and the writing is on the wall.
SNAP CUT AND INTO
SCENE 5
BEDROOM.
KAREN RUBBING MOISTURISER INTO HER FACE. JACK TENTATIVE.
JACK Malcolm really went off on one today. You don’t think there’s something going on between him and Miranda?
KAREN No.
JACK The atmosphere.
KAREN I didn’t notice.
JACK Just me then. He’s right about one thing. The Internet’s a one stop shop. It’s kink cental. Whatever you’re into – from mild to wild – is out there.
I did some research into gay married men. I found something that might help. It’s called a Closed Loop Relationship. Can I tell you about it?
KAREN Jack –
JACK Please. Hear me out.
KAREN STILL. JACK HAS REHEARSED THIS.
Okay, basically, in a Closed Loop the husband and wife agree that the husband can have some kind of relationship with a third party, a gay partner. The key thing about this is that all three are faithful and exclusive to each other, so that the marriage remains stable.
KAREN CUTS ACROSS
KAREN Why am I even listening to you?
JACK Karen…
KAREN Why am I listening?!
UNLEASHED.
Twenty four hours ago you told me you were gay! Twenty four hours! So now I should be – fine about it? Well, I’m not fine.
I’ve been asking myself all day, is it just about cock, Jack? Bored with me? My body not enough? Too female. Wrong bits in the wrong places, you want some tight young boys –
KAREN GRABS A BOTTLE OF PERFUME AND THROWS IT DOWN ON THE
DRESSER. IT SMASHES. BRUNO BARKS DOWNSTAIRS.
JACK Karen. Please -
KAREN What? Frightened the children will find out? The truth about their father.
JACK What? Like this? Their mother hysterical –
KAREN Hysterical? Please tell me, what would be the right reaction, Jack. Something reasonable?
SILENCE.
(LOW) I have to know. All the things you said – only last week. Here in this bedroom.
JACK Things?
KAREN About us. The future. Holidays in Venice and…and Christmas putting up with my parents. Were you lying?
JACK No.
KAREN Then what?
I thought I knew you, Jack! You were my lover and my friend. We were US! Has that all been a lie? Did you ever love me at all?
JACK Yes!
KAREN Do you still love me?
JACK Yes!
KAREN Then why are you threatening all of this? Turning our lives upside down? I don’t want to share you, Jack, you’re my husband!
All I’ve ever done is love you! Why can’t you love me back. Why isn’t that enough?
END OF EPISODE.
2352 words
HOW TO HAVE A PERFECT MARRIAGE
Draft # 4 – Episode 2.
SINEAD O’CONNOR – NOTHING COMPARES TO YOU.
SCENE 1
KAREN (V/O) Sunday morning. What do you see when you wake up on a lazy day and watch the pulse flicker in your husband’s neck? The same pulse you first saw the very first time you slept together.
And then he half wakes, turns and reaches out…
The sun through the bay window throwing these amazing shapes. When I first saw it, I said, ‘Jack, that’s where the bed goes, so when we make love in the morning we get bathed’
Even the sun seems different today? Is that possible? How can it be different?
Totally – Utterly -
God, Naomi…what are we going to do?
DISTANT SOUND OF CLATTERING FROM KITCHEN.
Jack always empties that top cupboard when he gets down the skillet. That means pancakes, his speciality, with maple syrup. The girls’ll love it – too easy, Jack! Appease your guilt? Comfort food with lashings of ‘I’m sorry’ thrown in? Sorry? Man, you’re going to cook a mountain today.
‘Thinks he’s gay?’ Thinks? What does that mean – thinks? Like there’s some doubt about it? He’s – what? Bi Curious? A phase? What? Or is he just saying ‘thinks’ to get me used to the idea, to get me to accept…
How long has this been going on? Has he been seeing someone? Has he had sex with someone?
Alright, yes, he was honest about what happened before, the ‘experiment’. We all experimented. Tried out stuff and then grew up. Chose. Because when he got married, he made a choice. Me. The children. A family. I thought he’d chosen.
That’s not unreasonable, is it? Because this is breach of – of contract! How am I being unreasonable?
And okay, right, I know sex had trailed off a bit, all the usual pathetic excuses. Isn’t it the same for everyone? But I haven’t entirely lost it. Children out, a glass of wine, and we can still rattle the chandeliers and disturb the neighbours! I’m not dead from the waist down!
I really can’t deal with this right now. I don’t want to deal with this right now!
SNAP CUT AND INTO
SCENE 2
KITCHEN.
THE NOISE AND CLUTTER OF CHILDREN FINISHING BREAKFAST.
ELLA Thanks, Dad, that was lush…
KAREN Dishwasher…
JACK I love making pancakes for you guys…
KAREN Ella…
ELLA Alright.
CLATTERING OF BOWLS INTO DISHWASHER. ELLA HEADS
OFF.
KAREN No more DVDs. (CALLS AFTER) Tell Sophie her Mum’ll be here in an hour.
THEY’RE GONE. KAREN CLOCKS
Stop Bruno, will you. He’s licking the plates again.
JACK Think of it as the pre-wash.
KAREN From someone who’s been licking his balls all night.
JACK Technically that’s impossible. Bruno doesn’t have any balls. We had him done.
KAREN PUSHES BRUNO’S NOSE OUT
KAREN Out!
SLAMS THE DISHWASHER DOOR SHUT – ANGRILY.
JACK Alright. Do you want to start?
KAREN Yes.
JACK Okay. Go ahead.
KAREN What the hell are we going to say to Naomi about the weed?
JACK Naomi?
KAREN I’ve been lying in bed thinking about it.
JACK You’ve been lying in bed thinking about Naomi?
KAREN What do we do? Ground her? Cut off her allowance? Because you said – and I agreed – that when –if – this happened we shouldn’t be heavy handed.
JACK Grounding her sounds severe.
KAREN Maybe…
JACK And cutting off her allowance is positively nuclear.
KAREN Alright, but we’re in new territory here, all of us. This is a big moment, Jack.
JACK For sure.
KAREN We need to respond. We don’t know where she got the weed, whether she’s taken anything else and technically it is still illegal, yes?
JACK Steady on.
KAREN You happy she’s smoking it at home?
JACK I guess so.
KAREN You are?
JACK It’s what I did, Kay. And we may be in new territory, but I know one thing. I’m not going to be a hypocrite.
NAOMI Who’s a hypocrite?
NAOMI AT THE DOOR.
KAREN Morning, Darling.
JACK Pancakes?
NAOMI God, no. Big bum food!
KAREN You don’t need to worry about that. You’re as slim as a willow.
NAOMI Because I’m careful. Where’s the OJ?
JACK Here.
KAREN I told your father what happened last night.
NAOMI Yippee.
KAREN He and I agree we need to have a proper conversation.
NAOMI He smoked dope. You both did.
KAREN A long time ago.
NAOMI Actually Dad did it on one of his Screenwriting Conferences in Amsterdam last year. He said it was how they all bonded.
KAREN Oh did he.
JACK I forgot about that.
KAREN This isn’t helpful.
JACK No, but neither is it helpful pretending it isn’t fun. Or sociable. Or relaxing.
KAREN What about skunk cannabis? Twenty times stronger and it really screws your mind.
NAOMI Mum, I don’t smoke skunk. I saw what it did to Johnny Miller. He thinks the teachers are all lizards.
JACK You see, Kay. Your daughter takes after you. Very sensible.
KAREN Sensible? Is that how you all see me? Well I’m sorry I can’t be more interesting for you all? I’m sorry I’m so bloody normal!
SILENCE.
NAOMI Wow, Mum. You sure you haven’t been on the skunk yourself?
JACK I’m going to walk Bruno.
KAREN Why? Does he need walking?
JACK We’re going out for lunch. He’ll pee everywhere.
KAREN Perhaps I should come too. I can be dressed in five. We haven’t done that for a long time.
JACK Shouldn’t you stay here?
KAREN What, and let you go off alone?
NOAMI Paranoid! Dad’s only going for a walk, Mum. A walk!
SNAP CUT AND INTO
SCENE 3
PARK.
JACK WITH BEN
JACK Thanks for coming.
BEN You sounded all BGD on the phone.
JACK What?
BEN Big Gay Drama. It’s the wind beneath our wings.
JACK I told her, Ben.
BEN Ah.
JACK Last night. I told her.
BEN What happened?
JACK I left my work phone out in the study. She saw I was logged onto Grinder.
BEN You were caught with your Apps around your ankles.
JACK That’s right. Turn everything into a joke.
BEN Oh for heaven’s sake, Jack, you’re not the first married man to be caught with his hand in the metaphorical. Did you know Gaydar has an entire section devoted to guys like you?
JACK It does?
BEN Bees to honey, Jack. We purebloods love a muggle. You’re so straight!
JACK But I hadn’t even really done anything!
BEN Except window shopping for England and wearing your right hand out.
I bet Saint Karen still doesn’t know about me, does she?
JACK She’s just put her head in the sand.
BEN The poor woman’s in shock.
JACK She’s said nothing!
BEN And hoped it’ll all just go away.
JACK I’ve no idea how to handle this. Help me.
BEN Best course of action, do nothing.
JACK What?
BEN Listen, how long have you been thinking about this? Sorry - obsessing?
JACK I don’t know.
BEN You told me months so I’m guessing at least a year.
JACK Alright, yes.
BEN A year for Mr Integrity to stop lying to himself, to actually admit the truth.
JACK I used to walk Bruno late at night and stand here, in the middle of the park and say the words, ‘I am gay’.
BEN Do it now.
JACK I am gay.
BEN Louder. Shout.
JACK I am gay! I AM GAY!
BEN Real now? Really real?
JACK Yes.
BEN And now you throw this hand grenade you’ve lovingly created into her lap. And expect her to just – what? Shrug it off.
Boom!
No wonder Saint Karen is feeling martyred. You’re lucky she hasn’t chucked you out already.
JACK You think she might?
BEN Well if she did, it might just force you to decide what you wanted.
JACK I know what I want.
BEN Yes?
JACK I want to stay married, Ben. I love Karen. I want my marriage to work. My children are everything.
BEN Go on.
JACK They need me, especially now.
BEN What else?
JACK I want – I need – to have male contact. To explore that. To understand myself better, to find out who I am.
BEN So you want to have your cake and eat it.
JACK Is that so bad?
BEN No! The rest of the world might see you as greedy and selfish and shallow but I say, who made the rules?
JACK Hang on, nobody else must know.
BEN Karen might disagree.
JACK I’ve only just told her!
BEN Not everything’s your decision, Jack. She has choices now.
I assume you’ve been hovering up all the relevant sites.
JACK Obsessively.
BEN Then you’ll know what is out there.
JACK I lurk. I never actually post anything.
BEN The great Jack Dixon, whose interviews skewer multinational CEOs?
JACK I told you – I’m terrified.
BEN Listen. Alright. Calm down.
Have you come across something called the Closed Loop?
SNAP CUT AND INTO
SCENE 4
GASTROPUB.
MALCOLM LOOSENED UP WITH DRINK.
MALCOLM Suddenly we heard this noise. We rushed in, and found Sophie standing with her friend in front of the PC.
KAREN Not Ella?
MIRANDA Karen, I would’ve told you if it were Ella…
MALCOLM No. They’d managed to access this hard core site. All livid pinks and brutal reds, a gynaecological car crash.
MIRANDA Malcolm…
MALCOLM That was just the men!
MIRANDA The point is, Sophie looked horrified.
MALCOLM Her little face.
MIRANDA Staring at the screen. All she could see was the violence…
MALCOLM Violence?
MIRANDA …Because whatever ‘sex’ meant to her, at thirteen, this meant no sense.
MALCOLM Her friend looked mighty pleased with herself.
KAREN Thank God it wasn’t Ella.
JACK You don’t think Ella would have been curious?
KAREN No. She’s very innocent.
JACK Innocence is like nostalgia, it’s soft. Curiosity will ace it every time.
MIRANDA Sophie would never have done this on her own. She was coerced.
JACK Really?
MALCOLM Quite.
JACK She knew which PC to go to, Miranda. No parental controls.
MIRANDA Oh yes.
MALCOLM Which makes it my fault of course.
MIRANDA We’ve been through this.
MALCOLM I watch porn. My wife disapproves.
MIRANDA Forgive me for being an old fashioned feminist who thinks it exploits women.
MALCOLM Do you watch porn, Jack?
JACK Doesn’t every man?
MALCOLM On the planet. We’re sensation sluts, Ladies. And for the record, this was an amateur site, so no violence, implied or otherwise. Completely consensual. Actually I believe the internet has made porn truly democratic.
MIRANDA Here we go..
MALCOLM It’s the biggest blow for sexual freedom since the pill.
THIS SETTLES.
Another round?
JACK I’ll come.
THEY MOVE OFF.
MIRANDA What do you think?
KAREN Miranda, you married a man who loves an argument.
MIRANDA He doesn’t argue, he dictates!
KAREN It’s the drink.
MIRANDA Some people say it’s almost bullying?
KAREN Still doesn’t mean he’s having an affair.
MIRANDA You think?
KAREN The opposite in fact. Pompous idiots like Malcolm are all talk and trousers. He’ll never actually do anything.
I’m sorry.
MIRANDA No, you’re right. He won’t. Thanks for that glimpse of sanity.
KAREN Sanity?
MIRANDA Yes. You don’t judge. You don’t get angry or impatient. You listen.
KAREN I just insulted your husband.
MIRANDA You told the truth, he is pompous. Tiresome. Inconsiderate. But I still need him. I do. What a mess.
KAREN He needs you too.
MIRANDA But not like you and Jack. What you have is special. I can see it a mile off. Real respect, Karen. It’s rare. You lose that and the writing is on the wall.
SNAP CUT AND INTO
SCENE 5
BEDROOM.
KAREN RUBBING MOISTURISER INTO HER FACE. JACK TENTATIVE.
JACK Malcolm really went off on one today. You don’t think there’s something going on between him and Miranda?
KAREN No.
JACK The atmosphere.
KAREN I didn’t notice.
JACK Just me then. He’s right about one thing. The Internet’s a one stop shop. It’s kink cental. Whatever you’re into – from mild to wild – is out there.
I did some research into gay married men. I found something that might help. It’s called a Closed Loop Relationship. Can I tell you about it?
KAREN Jack –
JACK Please. Hear me out.
KAREN STILL. JACK HAS REHEARSED THIS.
Okay, basically, in a Closed Loop the husband and wife agree that the husband can have some kind of relationship with a third party, a gay partner. The key thing about this is that all three are faithful and exclusive to each other, so that the marriage remains stable.
KAREN CUTS ACROSS
KAREN Why am I even listening to you?
JACK Karen…
KAREN Why am I listening?!
UNLEASHED.
Twenty four hours ago you told me you were gay! Twenty four hours! So now I should be – fine about it? Well, I’m not fine.
I’ve been asking myself all day, is it just about cock, Jack? Bored with me? My body not enough? Too female. Wrong bits in the wrong places, you want some tight young boys –
KAREN GRABS A BOTTLE OF PERFUME AND THROWS IT DOWN ON THE
DRESSER. IT SMASHES. BRUNO BARKS DOWNSTAIRS.
JACK Karen. Please -
KAREN What? Frightened the children will find out? The truth about their father.
JACK What? Like this? Their mother hysterical –
KAREN Hysterical? Please tell me, what would be the right reaction, Jack. Something reasonable?
SILENCE.
(LOW) I have to know. All the things you said – only last week. Here in this bedroom.
JACK Things?
KAREN About us. The future. Holidays in Venice and…and Christmas putting up with my parents. Were you lying?
JACK No.
KAREN Then what?
I thought I knew you, Jack! You were my lover and my friend. We were US! Has that all been a lie? Did you ever love me at all?
JACK Yes!
KAREN Do you still love me?
JACK Yes!
KAREN Then why are you threatening all of this? Turning our lives upside down? I don’t want to share you, Jack, you’re my husband!
All I’ve ever done is love you! Why can’t you love me back. Why isn’t that enough?
END OF EPISODE.
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