Shai Hussain

Shai Hussain is the writer of BBC Asian Network dramas Silver Street, Reality Check, Resolutions and the critically-acclaimed Radio 4 play Til Jihad Do Us Part.
He wrote episodes of Zing TV serial Cloud 9, and his sitcom Generasians was previously optioned to NBC Universal.

The feature version of Til Jihad Do Us Part made finalist at The Big Pitch competition 2009, a national feature film competition with a £250k production prize, and attracted the attention of Gordon Anderson of The Inbetweeners to direct for a while.

Last year, Shai wrote, directed and produced Three Shades Of Brown, an original comedy webseries that premiered at the New York Indian Film Festival and has received largely positive reviews.

His work has featured the talents of Rakhee Thakrar (Eastenders), Lena Kaur (Hollyoaks), Adeel Akhtar (4 Lions), Kulvinder Ghir and Nina Wadia (Goodness Gracious Me).

Shai also works as an Entertainment Editor for The-NRI.com, and his alter-ego DJ Shai Guy is resident DJ for Bollywood clubnight Bombay Funkadelic and for the weekly #MondayMashup that airs on the BBC Asian Network.




London (Greater London)



Simon Williamson, SW Agency
simon@swagency.co.uk

WEB

  • Three Shades Of Brown (Shai Guy Productions) [8 episodes]


TV

  • Cloud 9 (Zee TV) [3 episodes]


RADIO

  • Til Jihad Do Us Part (BBC Radio 4)

  • Reality Check (BBC Asian Network)

  • Resolutions (BBC Asian Network) [co-written]

  • Silver Street (BBC Asian Network) [10 episodes]


THEATRE

  • Material World (Bolton Phoenix)

  • Clive's Cool Musical (Bolton Phoenix)

  • Bollywood In Bolton (Bolton Phoenix)

  • Party-Sharty (Shai Guy Productions)

  • Atchaa Aur Buraa (Shai Guy Productions)


Animation, Comedy, Film, Radio, Television

2 hours 10 minutes

2 hours 15 minutes

Sc 10            INT. KHATOON HOUSE - DAY

FX Doorbell

MEENA (V.O.)            I knew Sarwar had to go back to Kashmir soon. We’d decided from the off to indulge in nothing more than friendship. However, no matter how much you can control your actions, feelings are another thing completely.

MRS KHATOON            Jamila!!

JAMILA                        Yeah, yeah, yeah. Comin’, comin’.

MEENA (V.O.)            And Sarwar agreed. He’d been fighting the same feelings, knowing that a relationship would only lead to hurt. Unless...

Jamila OPENS the door. She CHEWS GUM noisily and doesn’t say a word.

SARWAR                        Salaam Aleikum. You must be-

KALEEM            Subhanallah! With such extraterrestrial beauty, you can only be Meena. The gods smiled very sweetly the day your umbilical cord was cut.

JAMILA                        You what?

SARWAR (embarrassed)   I’m sorry Jamila. My uncle has mistaken you for your sister. Hahahaha...ha?

JAMILA                        Have you boys just stepped off the banana boat or summat?

(Beat. More CHEWING.)

SARWAR                        Right. Shall we enter?

They go inside and Jamila shuts the door.

 

Sc 11            INT. KHATOON HOUSE, LOUNGE - DAY

Mrs Khatoon SERVES Kaleem and Sarwar cups of tea.

MRS KHATOON            Kaleemsahib? How many sugars?

KALEEM                        None, thank you. I am sweet as a ladoo as it is. Excuse me.

Kaleem takes a DEEP BREATH and GULPS the cup down.

MEENA (V.O.)            Everybody was keen on us getting together. And Mum? She was on another scale of keenness completely.

 

INT. KHATOON HOUSE, LOUNGE - DAY

FX: GAMESHOW JINGLE

MRS KHATOON (like a gameshow host)   Kaleemji, this is your lucky day. Standing here in front of you is the finest young Muslim bachelorette this country has to offer. The smile of Madhuri, the ethics of Gandhi, the obedience of a labrador. Okay, she may be a little chubby but- (sudden shift in tone) Take her! Just take her, Sarwar beta! Can’t you see she’s growing old? Have some heart for this poor mother. Take her and MAKE ME GRANDCHILDREN!

FX: DING!

 

Sc 12            INT. KHATOON HOUSE, GARDEN - DAY

Meena and Sarwar sit on the porch as birds TWEET around them.

MEENA (V.O.)            Anyhow, Kaleem Uncle and Mum wanted us to get married. But the final decision lay solely in the hands of me and Sarwar.

They both LAUGH, having interrupted one another.

SARWAR                        Sorry, you first.

MEENA            Okay. So. Believe it or not, arranged marriages were always the last thing I thought I’d ever do. Until I met you. I- I like you.

SARWAR                        I like you too.

MEENA             But there’s some things you should know before we- A lot of things my Mum doesn’t even know. I’m not exactly the average Muslim girl. I go out. I eat pork. I drink. You’ve seen most of it already.

SARWAR                        A lot of Muslims procrastinate.

MEENA                        I’m trying to give up smoking.

SARWAR                        We’ve all been there.

MEENA                        I’ve had...ex-boyfriends.

SARWAR                        Hmmm. Okay. How many?

MEENA                        Nine.

SARWAR            Pause) Okay, nine sexual partners. A bit higher than I was expecting but-

MEENA                        I’ve had a few more sexual... partners...

SARWAR                        Hmmm. Haaa. Okay. How many?

MEENA                         Late teens, early twenties.

Beat.

SARWAR                        Okay. Okay. Okaaaaay.

MEENA             I’m sorry. I just want everything to be out in the open if we’re going for this. I mean, can you live with knowing my past?

Sarwar hugs her and KISSES her forehead.

SARWAR            Your honesty is genuine. My feelings for you are only strengthened by it.

MEENA                         Is there anything you want to tell me?

SARWAR                        (Beat)            Ah, Meena. We have the rest of our lives to get to know one another.

MEENA (V.O.)            And that was that. No ‘“Will you marry me” down on one knee’ rubbish. No Eiffel Tower in the background or string quartet playing. Not even the faint smell of Mum cooking samosas nearby could destroy the warmest, fuzziest feeling I had ever felt in my life.

Sarwar KISSES her.

MEENA (V.O.)             Our first kiss. And they lived happily ever aft-

MEENA                         You’re not using me for a visa, right?

FX: “CD Skip”

 

Sc 13            INT. KALEEM’S HOUSE, LOUNGE - EVENING

SARWAR                        I am using her for a visa.

KALEEM                        Arey beta. This isn’t the first time you’re using the ladies.

SARWAR                        I know. But it doesn’t feel right.

KALEEM            That’s because you are growing feelings for this girl. I can’t blame you. She had me at ‘Salaam’.

SARWAR            Uncle. I always handle my victims with great care. We’re on a mission. I am a professional. This is purely professional.

KALEEM (unconvinced) Okay. But Freder / ick

SARWAR            /Don’t worry about Frederick. We just lay low. As soon as I get the call from the Cleric, I will leave her. I know what I must do.

KALEEM                        But you are growing feelings?

SARWAR                        No.

KALEEM                        Though it doesn’t feel right?

SARWAR            (beat) Thank Allah they had that charm school at the training camp.   I know, she will hurt when I leave. But I will stick by my rule. No intercoursing, no love, no hurt.

KALEEM                        No intercoursing?

SARWAR                        No intercoursing.

KALEEM            But that’s one of the perks of the job! Anyhow, your plan would be fine. But this is merry olde England, babu. Do you think she will marry a man she does not love?

SARWAR            (sigh) We are in this Mile of Curry. Frederick will never find us. And the Cleric will call before the wedding. I have faith.

KALEEM                        One month, beta. No marriage, no visa. No visa, bon revoir.

ECHO: ‘No visa, bon revoir’ x 3 … echoing into silence.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sc 14            INT. KHATOON HOUSE, GARDEN - DAY

FX Meat SIZZLES as it drops onto a barbeque. A CROWD react excitedly.

MEENA (V.O.)            We held a barbeque to welcome Sarwar into the collective. Every one of my family and friends instantly fell in love with him. Jamila still wasn’t convinced.

JAMILA                        Ey up bro poppadom. Is me kebab ready yet?

SARWAR                        Here you go. 100% Kashmiri style. I hope you like it.

JAMILA                        Well Patak pickle. We’ll see about that, won’t we?

MEENA                         Jamila? What’re you being rude for?

JAMILA            Mahatma Gandhi. I don’t trust him, Meenapa. Month to get married? Something not quite right, sis.

MEENA            Jamila, I’ve never felt so right about someone. I chose him. Can you please try get along with him?

JAMILA                        I’ll eat this kebab. Just for you.

MEENA                        It’s a start.

Jamila TUCKS IN. She GROANS with ecstasy.

JAMILA                        So hard to hate when kebab so good.

Kaleem WHISTLES away to himself when Sarwar stops him.

SARWAR (discreetly)            Kaleem Uncle, that man has been watching me for the past five minutes. Brown suit, dark shades.

KALEEM                        Leave it to me, beta. I’ve got him covered.

MEENA                        Sarwar? What are you staring- Oh, that’s my cousin Murtaza.

SARWAR                        Your cousin?

MEENA            Recently got back from Afghanistan. Poor guy. Bomb exploded next to him and he got shrapnel in his eyes.

SARWAR                        He’s blind!?

MEENA                        Afraid so.

Beat.

MEENA             Awww, you really care about him, don’t you? Too sweet! Come here.

Meena KISSES him.

SARWAR                        Excuse me for a moment.

MEENA                        Sarwar?

SARWAR (discreetly)            Kaleem Uncle. Do not shoot. Repeat, do not shoot.